Just another day for me.

You're not really in a relationship yet (with anyone) if you haven't experienced disappointment.




Major disappointment, if i might add.

I'm done giving labels.
Girl friends.
Boy friends.
Best friends.

All crap.


Off i go,
muSHAdool.

an end of an era, i hate you.

I will miss having someone to talk to when i'm bored.

I will miss knocking on their doors and ask them, "hey, wanna hang out or something?"

I will miss listening to their loud music next door,

their loud alarm that woke me up sometimes.

I will miss having ears to talk to when I'm mad with the crazy landlords.

I will miss their craziness when it comes to birthday surprises.

I will miss.. having housemates.

kinda blamed my mom for this. Parents and their conservativeness.

but oh well, obedience is the least thing i could give to them.

ah, whatever.

i know i'll wake up two days from now and will be totally fine.

always have, always will.

sorry for my momentary melancholy.

P.S: Time, you're a bitch.

Off i go,

muSHAdool.

Waiting for you, sunsh!

"Don't cry... Look, the sky is crying with you."

That's okay,

i'll just learn how to dance in the midst of rain.

If you know sunshine loves you, you won't mind when rain comes.

Rain, hail, storm, they'll eventually come.

Sunshine is just taking a rest,

when he's back, he'll shine so bright, he'll make your skin sparkle.

Not in a Edward Cullen cheesy way tho.

Off i go,

the sunshine lover, muSHAdool.

You're so bright i have to wear shades.

He's not seeking to those who crave for spotlight.

He's not seeking to those who know it all.

He's not seeking to those who are multitalented.

Don't even get me started on good looks.

He's seeking to those,

who were once so deeply broken,

healthy self-image were not their cup of tea,

they seem didn't have any future,

help were all they need.

But their heart are pure, their eyes sparkles,

because of him, their future are so bright, they have to wear shades.

He knows that even though a diamond was being put among trash,

it still is a diamond.

Even though a diamond didn't have a good past,

it still is a diamond.

Even though,

a diamond is not really the centre of attention,

a diamond is not being invited to high class parties and events,

a diamond might not have the prettiest face or alluring body,

or a sexy Facebook profile picture,

it still is a diamond.

It only needs few cleansing and trash-detox,

voila. A diamond shines so brightly. Ready to wow the world.

Ready to bless.

Yes, realized that i've been talking too metaphorically.

but change every "diamond" word by.. "you."

yes, you.

the heart-broken, lonely, purposeless you.

the once heart broken, lonely, purposeless me.

Ready to shine, diamonds? :)

P.S: thanks for the missions. 2 people in 2 hours?

you must trust me so much, ey? :D

Off i go,

muSHAdool.

Yo soy la Betty.

I'm back being an aspiring (read:struggling) student in Melbie.

Back in my small room,

still and will always be messy.

I went through my stack of magazines.

Feeling very guilty for not reading them in about 4 months.

I know they miss me oh so badly.

Then i blamed myself for being very lavish,

Then i felt good again,

because well, how do i say this in fancy words..

it's my passion.

okay, that wasn't so fancy.

then... LOOK what i found in the middle of that chaotic mess.

IT'S THE MAGAZINE I WROTE, I MADE, I PRODUCED, 2 YEARS AGO!

(with a little help from my apparently-they're-better-in-Photoshop-than-me piggies)

Like that's not "oh-dear-diary" moment enough..

i also found these.

my 17th birthday present from Henry Gerson.

my 18th birthday present from Theophilia Edwinda.

and this is my first ever book.

Well it was a group project but as you know,

world is so fair that you ended up have to work alone.

Yes, that was sarcasm.

This is (for once) not a random stuff i want to post,

this is such a reminder.

to me and to you.

What's your passion?

How's the progress?

Have you ever made or accomplished something significant?

In my case,

i haven't. My magazine and my book were assignments i made as a media student.

But i haven't really contributed that much.

Yes, i also found the magazine i contributed in, which was my church magazine.

(Yah.. dibaca 5000 orang boleh lahh walopun majalah gereja hihi.)

but i feel like i should contribute more, i should do more remarkable stuff.

Oh well.

i'm taking my first step.

In 2 weeks i'll officially start being a CREATIVE AND PROFESSIONAL WRITING university student.

after graduated from Diploma of media and communication student last year.

I'm SO PUMPED, can't wait to start.

One day, once my career blast off,

i'll look at these days and

i'll know,

i once made a good decision to follow my passion.

Follow yours, peeps.

or unless you'll look back and couldn't help but feeling regretful.

Off i go,

the indeed still very homesick muSHAdool.

Love letter through a movie.

"I have something for you, wait 'til Friday."

Okay, i can't wait to see what it is.

Then, my friend asked me out, we had dinner and we planned to watch movies.

i suggested this,

but then,

my friend insisted. he said, "I've watched the trailer and it's good. let's go see this."

So there i was, with my friend, watching this,

I seriously didn't expect anything,

didn't expect that my heart will beat so darn fast,

didn't expect that i will get so deeply smitten,

because of the message of this movie.

So, this movie basically is about Percy Jackson, he's special. he's half god and half human.

or he's demigod. what so called.

he had a mission, and through his journey, he had obstacles and problems.

but the voice of his father, the god of water, Poseidon, led him the way.

He led Percy through his voice.

and only Percy, the son, that could hear the god's voice.

so yea yada yada yada, Percy could get the mission done and he's visiting the heaven,

where Poseidon is.

I.. still don't get the message.

but then,

at the end of the movie,

this conversation struck me.

"Son, i helped you to get here."

"Yes, i heard your voice."

"Son, even though I'm not there for you physically,

but I will always watch your every move from above,

I’ll always be with you, in your thoughts and dreams."

Voila.

There was the surprise.

It might be as simple as one line from a movie to you,

but it meant the world for me.

The words i love the most, through the media i love the most.

He knows me well.

I wrote this the morning after,

and i.am.still.deeply.smitten.

Oh for you who don't get this, never mind.

it's not you, it's me who is abnormal.

*wink*

Off i go,

muSHAdool.

Yes, i know i will always have You.

One night, in a land faraway,

a little girl is having a pillow talk with her Daddy.

===================================================

A little girl:

Daddy… why do people have feelings?

Daddy:

What do you mean, my dear?

A little girl:

I mean.. why did you create us with feelings? Why you let us feel weak, so powerless..

Somehow I think people should have numb hearts, they shouldn’t feel anything.

Then, they won’t get hurt,

they won’t cry in the middle of the night because their heart is so deeply broken,

or simply because they’re not ready for saying another goodbye.

Daddy:

You mean… like you right now?

A little girl:

you got me.

Daddy:

Well, cutie pie, when you feel weak, that’s when I can show how much I love you the most.

Because you need Me the most when you’re weak.

If you never feel weak, how can you know that I'm always here to strengthen you?

If you never feel left out, how can you know that you still have Me?

If you never feel hurt, how can you know that I'm your healer?

If you never say goodbye, how can you know that I, for even a second never leave you?

My dear, you’re not weak for feeling weak.

Strong people are not those who can’t feel a thing,

But those who are brave enough to face it, and don’t let feelings control them.

It's what they do during that-feeling-weak-time, that shows whether they're strong or not.

Little girl:

What do strong people do when they're feeling weak, Daddy?

Daddy:

They don't rely on people. They rely on Me.

They don't come to people. They come to Me.

Because they know that people are unreliable. But I'm their rock.

Little girl:

You always know what to say, huh?

Daddy:

Haha. Like Father, like daughter, dear.

Anyway, go get some sleep.

Get ready for a better tomorrow.

Don’t forget,

I love you. and all of your weakness.

No, ESPECIALLY your weakness.

Good night.

That little girl went to sleep,

knowing that no matter how tough life gets,

she always has her Daddy.

============================================================

Off i go,

muSHAdool.

Oh how i hate you, dreadful nights.

Vague.

Blur.

Unsure.

Skeptical.

Denial.

Hesitant.

These words make one simple line:

It still hurts.

People say, time heals.

any wounds.

Well, time didn't do a pretty good job. not to me.

But i'll be fine.

Yes, i freaking will.

Prayer(s),

i count on you.

Off i go,

muSHAdool.

like a "paranormal activity"

I'm no horror movie fan. I get scared easily.

and i don't get the idea why people would bother to watch it and have their own trouble sleeping at night.

But today, i (kinda) watched one, because a peer pressure,

and i didn't have trouble with it.

because little that people know..

there's one thing, one feeling, that's wayyyy more scary and more frustrating than any horror movie.

it haunts me like crazy.

In awe.

"Just because people disappointed you many times,
doesn't mean I will."

"Just because they come and go,

doesn't mean I will leave you."

"Just because you shouldn't rely on people,

doesn't mean you can't trust Me."

"Lean not to your own understanding and I will make your path clear."

Well-said, King.

Well.. said.

Off i go,

Fatty Queen.

Movie: the least boring teacher.

Like i told my friend few days ago,

"i watch movies to learn."

and movies also seems never failed to give me new insight and valuable lesson.

This time..

the teacher is..

WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS!

It's not this got-drunk-and-got-married-in-vegas scene,

or this..

but it's basically a scene when the slutty ehem cougar ehem sorry! what's her name? oh cameron diaz and ashton kutcher finally wants to stay married after they realized they're in love and yada yada yada..

CC (Cougar Camy): "For so long, i've always tried to please everybody. But by not trying to please you, i think i finally become myself again."

It just struck me that that's what i, you, and most of us been doing.

We always try to please everybody.

We always think that we're not good enough.

I actually took a personality test on blogthings

and the result showed that yes, i always wanted to please my family and friends.

I don't care about other people, i only care about them.

But i suddenly realize,

it's not possible.

I am human,

you are too. 

(Unless you're a frog and you can read this, it's a totally different issue.)

and human make mistakes.

we're allowed to make mistakes.

We can't please everybody. We.. just can't.

Trying so hard to please everybody is TIRING.

I've done it 18 years. Couldn't be more tiring.

So, now i'm gonna go to sleep, take a rest.

Not gonna worry about other people.

I'm not afraid to make mistakes.

because no mistakes, no learning.

Like this very cliche but yet so true statement,

Be yourself. :)

People might not like you,

but it's their loss. really.

"Don't let people to tell you who you are, you tell them!"

- Serena Van der Woodsen to Blair Waldorf.

You know you love me,

xoxo,

Gay Guy

ups

Gay Girl

ups

muSHAdool.

My sweet mess.

If there's one word to describe my room, my current room, that would be..

Messy.

Off i go,

muSHAdool.

Darn you, final exam.

Well, this is not a media talk. Later yah ;-)

This is... a heart talk. LOL!

I'm currently facing final exam (even though i don't feel like facing one. thank God for the very easy exam in OZ ;p)

But still.. if i don't have any final exam, let's see what i could probably doing.

1. I could go to Perth with my sister and my nephew. They're on "Lebaran" holiday.

2. my mom and dad could visit me here. And we could go shopping!! :( They knew i'm having my final exam so they decided to go to Israel. I wanna come too!!!!

3. I could go to Tulip Farm, it's spring here in Melbourne, so seeing flower blooming is.. suhweet! My cousin and my friends asked me to go but i can't :(

4. I could go have lunch with my church friends. Okay, this i can do every sunday. But, still.. worth mentioning... haha.

Hix hix. Bad.. bad timing for final exam.

Okay, enough complaining. More studying. (Yeah, right).

Off i go,

muSHAdoool

Teehee.

Doesn't mean to sound too self-conscious,

but i just realized i've been writing heavy and deep stuff on my blog lately. 

Dunno whether it's a good thing or not (you tell me!),

but I've decided to post and write more general things for upcoming post(s).

And by general, it means LOTS of media talk. LOL.

Wait for it! :)

Off i go,

muSHAdool.

Less of self = Selfless.

Me: Can i share something? 

Him: Go on.

Me: Hehe, i have to admit tho, i'm pretty tired these days. 

Tired of facing self-centered people. 

It's like, all they can say "Didn't you see what i was doing? Didn't you read what i wrote? Didn't you this what i that. I this, i that, i those, i these."

Him: HOAAAA, i'm lucky i'm not as open as you do! and euw.. It's so junior high. Abege berat.

I don't think i can handle that kind of people! It's not like i live for read what they wrote or watch every moves they make!

Me: Yeah, once you said, "Use me more.."

this is just another little thing you have to bear, dear.

Him: Yeahh.. true. But i don't think i'll choose that path. Haha.

Me: LOL. Well, everybody has their own path. Don't worry :) 

and thank you for buzzing me first, needed that :)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I know i'm tired,

No, i know i'm exhausted.

But i know i'm not doing this for me.

The One i'm doing this for, always reward His faithful servant :)

My tiredness is nothing compared to the Cross.

I have no right to complain.

If complaining makes everything better, i would definitely do it.

But, it doesn't. So, why bother?

Off i go,

muSHAdool.

Pursue your passion!

Her: Can i use your words? I want to make it into a poster and hang it on my wall.

I want to use it as a motivation.

Me: You undoubtedly made my day!!

Her: You'll write a good and inspiring book one day, dear. Everyone will love it.

Me: Let's just say big fat "AMEN!!!" and yeah, you'll get a free autograph from the writer, LOL!

Her:I've read your note abt "The September Issue" that we watched together and i practically just stared on my laptop and wondering, "How could she write some stuff like this?!

Me: awww, thank youu.. You didn't see it coming, eh? Because i was yawning all the time when we were watching yeah? hahaha. Yeah well, i was yawning because i was too tired, not because of i was bored fosho! ;p

Her: I know!

Her: Can you tag me in whenever you write notes?

Me: My pleasure.

Me: Mom, can i change my major? You know i have passion in writing.

Mom: You can do anything you want. Be what you're good at, and do what you're passionate for.

Her: What major are you taking? Business?

Me: *dalam hati (EUW, NO!)* "No, i'm taking Bachelor of Arts (Creative and Professional Writing) 

Her: That's great! Your passion yeah?

Me: It is :)

Well, if there's one thing about passion..

It's tangible.

Everyone can see it, everyone can feel it.

This passion thing has been "bothering" me for the last few days.

I'm connecting the dots..

Movies, TV series (undoubtedly, Ugly Betty), these amazing comments from my friends, sermon, prayers, and even my own writing..

There is no coincidence that they have the same message.

They're reassuring and reaffirming my passion.

Yep, this is my passion. God has put this on my heart.

What's yours, oh thee mighty readers? 

How to know what your passion is?

First, ask.

"If you don't know the meaning behind one painting, there's always someone you can go to.

The Creator." - Jeffrey Rachmat.

Ask the Creator of your life.

Then, pursue it.

It's not only happiness that you have to pursue,

but also passion.

I don't know about you, 

but my greatest desire is when i meet the Mighty king,

He will look me in the eye and say, 

"It was hard, wasn't it? Well done, oh good and faithful servant." 

That keeps me going, i know it will be worth it.

P.S: For those who have given me so many support, 

i assure you, you're investing in the right girl.

Off i go,

muSHAdool.

Hide and seek no more!

I love music.

I love TV series.

I love DVDs.

Am a sucker for them.

They are my distractions, they are my best of friends.

I was just randomly searching for good songs to download from Limewire.

Then, i saw this song.

"Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap. Soundtrack of the OC."

As a fan of Josh Schwartz and his amazing TV series, 

i downloaded the song right away.

where are we?
what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just begun to form
crop circles in the carpet
sinking feeling

spin me round again
and rub my eyes,
this can't be happening
when busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines
all those years
they were here first

oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,

the sweeping insensitivity of this still life..

Aside of its unusual music and lyrics, 

the title itself speaks loudly to me.

This is what i've been doing lately..

Playing hide and seek.

Someone keep on seeking for me,

Someone keep on asking me to do something,

Someone keep on telling me to "Go.. run.. as fast as you used to.."

Someone keep on using every media to send the message.

Songs, musics, lyrics, TV series, 6 different people who prayed for me.

Yet i keep on hiding.

Hiding is safe.

Hiding is comfortable.

But, hiding is surprisingly tiring.

My heart is not at peace lately.

Stubbornness and sloth had gotten in the way.

I've got to be back in the game.

Playing hide and seek is only fun when you're a child.

The more you grow up,

the more you shouldn't hide.

No matter how tough and how hard life is.

Off i go,

muSHAdool.

which one are you?

"I have dreams.. Why can't i get all of them like.. now?"

"Why they can have it all easily? While i have to wait.. and wait.."

"What if i can't?"

"What do i have to do when problems arise?"

"What?"

"When?"

"How?"

"Where?"

"Why?"

In a blink of an eye, suddenly drained.

Opened up my daily reading,

"You don't have to know about tomorrow - that makes you happy.

You don't have to know about yesterday - that makes you happy.

You don't have to know how to do everything,

all you need to do is know the One who knows.

Trying to figure things out will only wear you out."

- Joyce Meyer.

Looked up the title of that daily reading..

"Are you trusting or are you worrying?"

I decided to choose the first one.

Life is meant to be nothing but enjoyed.

Too short for worrying.

Which one are you?

Off i go,

muSHAdool.

Oh.. finally.

I know i should post the best birthday wishes or the most touching ones, or even the gross ones ;p

But the more i grow up,

The more i learn, to NOT make everything about me.

I know i can, and yeah i know i want to. But nope. I'm not gonna.

These came from all the people around me.

They surely made me smile and definitely made my birthday :)

They're irrelevant, but that's the point :)

"I couldn't have done it without God on my side. Finally, i can release forgiveness to those hypocrites family. I'm now stronger and yet i know it's not because of my strength!"

"I didn't do anything, he did. He opened his heart. He stopped smoking. Finally, he can feel the joy from above."

"Can you keep a secret? I'm about to become a leader!"

"What time do you go offline? I want to share something with you!"

Highlight of the day:

"I got the best gift(s) from God on my bday, i hope you will too.

Happy birthday, Sha."

Came from a lady who have been waiting for almost 10 years to get pregnant.

She finally is. On her birthday. A twin.

Making everything about yourself, even though it's your birthday, is so last year.

It's time to make it about others.

Selfish is out, selfless is in.

P.S: it's amazing seeing how self-centered people can make everything about them.

Their friend is having a birthday, but the subject of the conversation is no different. Always started with an "I."

Hey, relationship works two ways! Oh wait, doesn't matter anyway ;p

Anyhoo,

200++ wall posts,

countless tweets (too lazy to count ;p), smses, email, instant messages and buzzes on MSN.

I am one lucky 18 years old girl. I love you and i thank you, my family and friends.

And.. i miss you.

Off i go,

the finally legal in OZ, muSHAdool.

Max Brenner Cafe, 10 p.m, QV, Melbourne.

The wind blew calmly,

the weather was so nice,

and the city was so amazingly alive even though it's night already.

(it's OZ for crying out loud, the stores close at 5 P.M. ;p)

We were there, just hanging out. 

the dark chocolate,

the Italian milk chocolate,

and the American milk chocolate.

Some secrets were spilled,

dark secrets.

Some privacy were revealed,

the very private ones.

Some crazy imagination were expressed,

the ones we really wanted.

"We did that. At our first month. I know i was wrong."

"I still do that, please don't tell anybody. It's between us only."

"When you first came to Melbourne, i told her, "Hey her english is pretty good!

But guess what, she disagreed with me. I guess she was just envious with you."

"High school was the best, huh?"

"I've always wanted to have that kind of life."

Well..

Good conversation, good friends, good chocolate and good weather,

are the BEST combination.

Everyone has their own reasons, their own stories, their own past.

Listen more,

talk less.

Open more,

Judge less.

That's the key to manage a good relationship :)

"Come on, tell us. We're already like brothers and sister."

Off i go,

muSHAdool.